


A Bit of a Revelation

by LadyAmina



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drug Use, Dysphoria, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Sirius Black, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Love, M/M, MWPP, Marauders, Medicinal Drug Use, Trans Male Character, Trans Remus Lupin, Trust, rs420, starstruck4moony & kattlupin's RS420 Wolfstar Mini Fest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:34:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23700109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyAmina/pseuds/LadyAmina
Summary: Remus uses marajuana medicinally to help with symptoms of the full moon, and some other reasons. It's those reasons that intrigue Sirius.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 197





	A Bit of a Revelation

“Pass me my bag, will you?” 

Sirius knew which bag, of course, even though it was their first night back at Hogwarts, and Remus could have meant any of the numerous bags, trunks, and parcels scattered around them. Night one and the Seventh Year Gryffindor Boys’ dormitory was a mess. Even so, Remus could only be talking about his stash bag, the little clutch he kept for storing bud and a small glass bowl. Sirius knew it by sight, sound, and smell. 

In fact, this marked the one year anniversary of when Remus had sat them all down and explained the health benefits of smoking marijuana, not just for werewolves, but for wizards and muggles alike. He said for him specifically, though, that it helped immensely with the muscle aches, nausea, and restlessness that came before, after, and during every full moon. Sirius also vividly remembered him adding that it helped with his dysphoria, as well. He said it puts his relationship with his body into perspective. 

This had been on Sirius’s mind every time he’d watched Remus light up for the last year, which was a considerable amount. Lately, he found himself feeling more and more disconnected from his body. It seemed to require different things of him than he was expecting. Like sometimes, when he was hanging out with Lily, Dorcas, and Marlene, and he felt like  _ just one of the girls _ , he felt at home in his own limbs, or when some professor or another stopped him in the hallway with an abrupt “Mr. Black!” he cringed. Only sometimes. Enough to feel important, but not enough to be sure it was anything. Trust Sirius’s body to be as inconsistant as Sirius himself. 

A thousand times, Sirius had considered asking Moony for a puff, and a thousand times he’d decided better of it. So he was surprised when he found himself asking, without really intending to, “Hey, could I try that with you sometime?”

Remus blinked at him and then his mouth spread into a charming, if off-center smile. “Merlin, I thought you’d never ask.”

Sirius sagged with the relief of not immediately being rejected. 

“Of course you can, any of you can if you’d like to try.”

Peter looked mildly curious and James scrunched his nose. Prongs wasn’t particularly taken by the smell. Sirius could not relate to that. At this point, it smelled nice to him. Earthy, warm, and like Moony.

“You three go ahead,” James waved at them. “I’ll pass for now, but I reserve the right to change my mind in the future.”

“That is, of course, your right,” Remus nodded. He pulled out a bud and placed it in the palm of his hand. He cast a quiet charm and it levitated into the air, grinding itself into little green snowflakes that fell back into Remus’s hand. He packed them into the bowl and stood up to walk over to the window with it before he lit it, out of consideration for James’s sensitive nose. 

“You’re welcome to now, if you’d like,” Remus held out the bowl to Sirius, offering him the first hit. 

Sirius got to his feet slowly and joined Remus at the window. 

Peter looked for a moment like he might do so as well, but then he shook his head. “Nah, but if you’re feeling snacky after, we should have something to snack on. Maybe I’ll take a trip to the kitchens while you’re at it.”

“Valid,” James flung his legs over the side of his bed where he’d been lying and sat up. “The feast was ages ago.” The clock on the wall denoted that it was nearly two in the morning, whereas the welcome and sorting feast had ended at eight thirty. “I’ll go with you,” he declared. A moment later, the two had disappeared under James’s invisibility cloak, and the door to the dormitory opened and shut behind them.

Remus held out the bowl to Sirius, who took it, handling it with more care than Remus usually would. 

“How do I-” He began, but Remus laid his fingers over Sirius’s to instruct him.

“Cover this hole with your thumb. When I light it with my wand, pull the fire through and then release your thumb and breathe in. Go slowly at first. Coughing is likely and sometimes necessary, I won’t make fun of you for it.”

Sirius was grateful, but he desperately wanted to know who had made fun of Remus his first time smoking and coughing, for that to have entered his mind to say. 

He did as instructed, and at first he thought it hadn’t worked. He didn’t feel the smoke fill his lungs like he thought he might. But when he went to breathe out and tell Remus that he had somehow messed it up, smoke billowed from his mouth and nose like an honest to Merlin dragon. He did cough, then. A lot. Remus rubbed his back in soothing circles until it had subsided.

“Okay?” Remus checked, before taking the bowl and lighting it again for himself.

“I’m okay,” Sirius’s voice was hoarse, but at least he was no longer choking. 

Remus walked him through taking another hit and they passed it back and forth, quietly, for a few minutes. 

“It’s not just for fun, you know. Why I wanted to.” Sirius found himself explaining. 

“Okay, then why else?” Remus asked, but there was a knowing glint in his eyes that made Sirius wonder if he was wearing his mysterious gender on his sleeve. Wondering things was starting to feel deep and endless, and Sirius wasn’t sure whether it was the gravity of the thoughts, or the pot.

“You said it helps your dysphoria. I’ve… I’ve been feeling that, I think. I want the bodily perspective you were talking about.”

The knowing glint in Moony’s eye turned triumphant and then very soft. He set the bowl down on the windowsill and pulled Sirius into him, wrapping his arms up around him in the way he knew Sirius felt safest. 

“It does help me. It doesn’t do that for everyone, I don’t think. I don’t know many other trans people who smoke. But it definitely helps me, and I hope so, so much, that it helps you too, Pads.”

Sirius nestled into Remus’s arms and kissed his chest. “Thank you. I hope so, too.”

James and Peter came back not long after with armfulls of snacks and a whole loaf of bread, for some reason. Ten minutes of unpacking later, Sirius was  _ very _ grateful for the food. His limbs felt especially heavy, and he was pretty sure food had never tasted quite this good in all his life. He realized, with some giddiness, that he was definitely high.

He tried to tell Remus quietly but accidentally announced it to the room, while thinking about it. James and Peter laughed good naturedly, but Remus just smiled and asked, “And how do you feel?” 

The truth was, Sirius didn’t know how he felt. Hungry, for one. Like taking a long walk around the lake was a good idea, for another. But mostly he felt like his body was both too heavy and too light. Like he could float away, and then come swooping back down, like he was on a broomstick. The other truth was that he didn’t feel the guilty pull of his own gender nagging at him like he almost always did. It was a respite, a moment of quiet in the noise of it. 

“I feel really good,” he admitted. And promptly started crying.

James was to him first, holding him in his spot on the floor, brushing his hair away from his tear-streaked face. Remus was close behind him, a calming hand on his back. He tried to assure them that he was really okay, that these were good tears, but the words were so far away. 

He couldn’t say how long it was before the others were coaxing him into bed. It felt like three eternities but also about fifteen minutes. Remus scooted into bed beside him, holding him like he was something precious and breakable, and Sirius started crying all over again. 

He cried into Remus’s shirt until his eyes ran dry. Remus stayed where he was and played comfortingly with Sirius’s hair, as one of only five people allowed to do so in the entire world. 

When he seemed finished, and the hiccups had set in - always a sure sign that Sirius was fresh out of tears to shed - Remus whispered, “Tell me what you’re feeling?”

Sirius swallowed. “I’m feeling content. I’m feeling… Remus? I think I’m not a boy sometimes.”

Remus nodded. “I think so, too. That you’re not a boy sometimes. Is there anything else you think you might be when you’re not a boy?” 

Sirius thought for a long moment, and then pretended to think for an even longer moment, because the words weren’t coming out of him. “I think sometimes I’m a girl. A witch. I think sometimes I’m a witch, and sometimes I’m a wizard.”

Remus beamed. Sirius could feel it even in the darkness that lay around them like a blanket, now, with their friends safely tucked into the beds around them. “I’m so happy to hear that, Pads. I’m so proud of you. Thank you for telling me.”

If Sirius could have cried more, she would have. But for now it was enough that she had this. Bed, and Remus, and the notion that if her friends were behind her, she could be anything or anyone she wanted. Whatever felt right. And this, to her, felt right.


End file.
